Living a luxury lifestyle on a Karama budget? Swap the stress of trying to keep up with your more affluent acquaintances for the satisfaction that comes with living a more authentic life.
Many of us have had to tighten our belts this year as salary cuts and job losses continue to make their mark. When you’re feeling the pinch, it’s only natural to succumb to a pang of jealousy when your friend rocks up to dinner in yet another designer gown or is spamming your Instagram feed with photos of her eye-wateringly expensive home renovations.
If a mild case of the green-eyed monster turns into something more serious, however – such as masking money troubles to try and keep up with your social circle – you’ll need to nip it in the bud before you end up disillusioned and in debt.
“My circle of friends meet for dinner at least once a month – usually at one of the city’s most popular restaurants,” says Lisa*, who has been living in Dubai for more than five years with her husband and three young children.
“Although I’d lost my job a couple of months ago, which has put a strain on our finances, I didn’t want to miss out. I thought it might actually be a chance to open up about my money worries but, as my friends chatted excitedly about all their latest achievements, from getting a promotion at work to buying a new house and booking luxury holidays, I felt like I was failing in comparison. When the bill came, it was much higher than I had expected. Although we’d all had different meals and drinks, we split it evenly as we always do – it would be rude not to. When I got home and found the air conditioning wouldn’t switch on, I felt ashamed. I’d probably just blown the money we’d need to spend fixing it on a fancy meal with people I felt I couldn’t even be honest with.”
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The struggle is real
While it may seem superficial to worry about what others think of you, the instinct to fit in with our high-flying friends harks back to cavemen days.
“Back then we lived in groups in order to survive so being ostracised for any reason meant we’d literally be left out in the cold to die,” says career and life coach Zeta Yarwood. “Obviously, if you are excluded from a social group nowadays, the consequences aren’t so severe, yet the brain has been slow to catch up.”
The modern equivalent of trying to keep up is essentially a defence mechanism used to shield us from judgment.
“We live in a consumerist world where people tend to judge others on their possessions rather than who they are,” explains Susan Partridge, clinical psychologist and head of the Psychology Division at the American Center for Psychiatry and Neurology. “Many UAE expats suddenly enjoy access to a host of things they didn’t have back home, such as new cars, larger houses and designer clothes. A little later, when they want to get their savings back on track or need to cut back while they take time off work to raise children, for instance, it can be difficult to adjust – especially when so many people appear to be living the high life.”
If you’re guilty of putting on a superficial show, don’t beat yourself up.
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“Over the centuries, and especially over the last hundred years or so, wealth and possessions have become a proxy show of strength,” says Susan. “As well as being very stressful in its own right, being poor or struggling shows you are vulnerable. Keeping up a show, therefore, makes us temporarily feel better as it is essentially a display of power. It makes us feel safer – even though in practise it is making our situation worse.”
Set your own standards
If you find yourself scrambling to live beyond your means solely to impress others then it’s likely that your self-esteem needs a boost.
“If you are surrounded by people who believe self worth is linked to having money and they end up excluding you if you fall on hard times then you should tell them to shove it,” says Zeta. “Pledge to find a group of friends who are more grounded and spend time building up your self worth. Everyone in the world is of equal value and you need to let go of the belief that you should behave a certain way or achieve a certain level of income to be accepted. Once you have dealt with that, other problems really will melt away.”
People who are more self-assured, for instance, will realise that losing their job would probably have nothing to do with their skills and everything to do with the price of oil.
“Money may give you opportunities but what really matters is family, friends, love and self respect while recognising that no situation is permanent,” says Zeta. “One thing many successful people have in common is that they’ve experienced a period of financial hardship at some point in their lives. Even if you’re struggling to make ends meet at the moment it’s unlikely to stay that way forever. View it as learning experience so can you avoid ending up in a tough situation again – like maybe living a lavish lifestyle when you have no savings isn’t a great idea.”
Zeta views money as energy that flows from person to person. Being able to detach yourself emotionally can make it easier to cope when you hit bad times.
“While it’s important to have economic stability, when you ask people who are nearing the end of their lives what matters most, no one says they wished they’d spent more time at work earning money so they could have gone yachting at the weekends. Creativity, love, respect and honesty are the values that drive happiness.
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“When I ask people if they are living a life that’s true to their values, however, many people quickly realise they’re not even close,” she continues. “Instead, they’re behaving how they perceive they need to in order to stay within a certain social group. Ultimately, you need to ask yourself what you’d regret more – living a life that’s true to you or living a life that is based purely around what others think of you.”
“On Instagram our summer holiday in the south of France looked like my family and I were living the dream,” says new mum Sahar*. “But the reality was that I was exhausted from being up half the night with a cranky baby and really couldn’t be bothered to dress up every morning and make small talk with my in laws, but I had to. Not just to be civil, but also because they were footing the bill.”
In terms of practical steps to take, ask yourself what you can do to save money now. Do you really need that four-bedroomed villa, for instance, or can you downsize to a smaller apartment for a year while you get yourself back on track?
“Instead of getting jealous, think of all the things you have to be thankful for,” says Dr Susan. “Sure, your rich friends may have a beautiful home, but maybe they don’t have a great relationship with their spouse. A great exercise to try is to sit down with a good friend and take it in turns to describe something in your life that you’re thankful for.”
As your list grows, it’ll help put things in perspective and once you can see what really matters you’ll be one step closer to getting your life back on track.
Faking it to make it?
If you find yourself being sucked into the beautiful lives of the rich and famous, remember all may not be as it seems – even in A-list circles. As an incredibly talented artist and fashion designer, it’s easy to assume money is no object for Kanye West so it came as quite the shock when he announced he had a personal debt of US$53 million (Dhs194.6 million) via his Twitter account in February 2016.
As another case in point, American ‘mompreneur’ Tori Spelling has also recently hit the headlines for being in debt, despite regularly showcasing a series of new outfits, jewellery and sunglasses on her Instagram account.
“It’s not helpful to compare yourself to others as there will always be people who are richer, thinner and more successful than you and you will always end up feeling envious,” says Dr Susan.
In the same way that we are bombarded with images of celebrity lives, if someone you know is broadcasting the details of their latest luxury holiday and over-achieving kids just take it with a pinch of salt as you may never know what’s really going on behind closed doors.
Words: Faye Bartle
Image: Getty
